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I'm Doing My Freaking Best

One of the wisest men I know once wrote me a note that read: 

"I suspect you, like me, have a confident exterior, but are plauged with inner doubts, like an impostor.. improvising every day, afraid the "real experts" are going to find you out.  The thruth is - we are ALL improvising.  Embrace improvisation.  Usually "experts" have maxed out and have very little capacity for improvisation.  If I could choose - consciously - I would choose improvisation" 

The above paragraph was part of a much longer letter of sorts that was written to me when I made the choice to move to Cleveland with my husband and son to start the next season of our life as a family of three. I understood the letter to be about my professional life and my ability to improvise in my job. While I had always been cool and confident in my work on the surface, just beneath I was constantly kicking and trying to keep myself above water, often looking around a room of people 10, 15, even 20 year…
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Dear Mom

Dear Mom, 
It's your birthday. Mother's Day and I'd like to say thank you for a few things.

For letting me say that my imaginary friend Jake was a real person and pretending not to know when I lied to your face about him cutting my bangs really short when I was 4 years old - yeah, that was me. For letting me change my name to "Maria" in 2nd grade because I thought Hannah was a dumb name (and for basically saying the name you picked for me sucked.  ouch)  For not telling me that the optometrist knew I was lying when I tried to fake an eye test so I could get glasses like all the cool girls in my class.  That one really came back to bite me now that I'm 30 and can't see without my cool glasses or contacts. For letting me be the only girl at my elementary school to try out for co-ed basketball and not being mad when I made it... and then decided I didn't want to do it. For paying for years of piano lessons and taking me every Saturday even though you kne…

Gymnastics and Puppets and Musicals, Oh My!

I like to imagine that I've always had the ability to make anyone believe anything I say and can often convince people to join me when I get a wild hair and want to do something "awesome".  Life is never dull because I'm always on to the next adventure. 

Some of my first memories are riding in the car with my mom to pick my brother up from school and telling her all about the "amazing day I had at school" and how "my friends and I had SO much fun in class".  My mom knew full well that I had been at home with her all day long and that I hadn't been in school at all. I had been in my room setting up my stuffed animals and dolls in order of vocal part (sopranos on the left, tenors in the middle and altos on the right) and directing my gospel choir of animals, Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids. She went along with everything I said and let me describe in detail the things my teacher said, how well I did on my test, how much fun recess was, etc. I blam…

Dear Me

I made a very sweaty resolution on New Years Eve. I was with some of my closest friends and just after midnight we were discussing what we wanted in 2012.  For me it was a simple one word answer: Freedom.
My resolution was sweaty because I had just lived out my dream of dancing in pajamas on NYE. To kick off freedom year, I wanted to dance with my friends and my husband... in pajamas... with a disco ball. I didn't want to be judged or self conscious and I definitely didn't want to be uncomfortable with pesky "real clothes" so the pajama dance party dream was brought to life by my friends and was executed to a level that I never imagined possible. Since that night I have intentionally started embracing my real self and doing something that frees me a little more each day.  This could be dancing, singing, making cookies at 11pm, NOT cleaning (I have a little cleaning obsession and many perfectly good Saturdays have been ruined by my cleaning projects and I say NO MORE -…

Bits and Pieces

There are lots of little things that I've been wanting to share lately, but nothing interesting enough for a stand-alone post. Here are three (3) short stories.  1.) Irrational Things New Parents Say in the Middle of the Night
The longer I'm a parent (a whopping 7 months now), the more I realize there isn't much that other parents haven't already experienced so why don't we talk about it?   People tried to tell us how hard it would be to go from being married without kids to married with kid(s) but I feel like we had no idea what was about to hit us in the face. 
I remember when our biggest decision was where we were going to get coffee after we slept 10 hours straight and were still in bed at 10am on any given Saturday morning. Those days were over for us on June 1, 2011. The most amusing (not at the time, but later) thing is the CRAZY stuff new parents say to each other in the middle of the night when you want to sleep but your baby has decided it's time for Scr…

Bible College Adventures

I graduated high school at 16 years old, not because I was extra smart, but simply because I hated high school so much. I worked hard to get out of there as fast as possible.  I've always been a little older and cooler in my head so I felt like high school was a complete waste of my valuable time. I graduated in May, turned 17 in August and started Bible College in September.  Looking back, I wasn't even mature enough to be left at home alone, much less be in another state... at College. 

A few days after getting settled in, there were auditions being held for "Chorale" (which was like a mini-choir that got to go on tours, etc).  I went down to the music department office and shamelessly dropped the names of my cousins who were chorale alumni in hopes of getting in with the "right" people (I'd always had a knack for being friends with the right people. Every time I changed schools as a kid, I would spend a day or two observing the class to find out who …