Bits and Pieces

There are lots of little things that I've been wanting to share lately, but nothing interesting enough for a stand-alone post. Here are three (3) short stories. 

1.) Irrational Things New Parents Say in the Middle of the Night

The longer I'm a parent (a whopping 7 months now), the more I realize there isn't much that other parents haven't already experienced so why don't we talk about it?   People tried to tell us how hard it would be to go from being married without kids to married with kid(s) but I feel like we had no idea what was about to hit us in the face. 

I remember when our biggest decision was where we were going to get coffee after we slept 10 hours straight and were still in bed at 10am on any given Saturday morning. Those days were over for us on June 1, 2011. The most amusing (not at the time, but later) thing is the CRAZY stuff new parents say to each other in the middle of the night when you want to sleep but your baby has decided it's time for Screamfest Extravaganza. It was cute at first and we'd say things like "it's ok babe.. I'll go get him.  I want to cuddle with him anyway".  We are now 7 months into this thing and earlier this week when our son decided to party at 2am, the conversation went a little something like this: 

Conrad: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Me: Babe, it's your turn. 

Jason: Huh? no it's not, it's your turn!

Me: I got up with him twice already tonight (ummm.. not true, but you lose all perception of what night it actually is because you're delirious)

Jason: YOU'RE A LIAR!!!!!!! 

Me: I THINK I HATE YOU!!!!!! I'm going to throw myself over this balcony if you don't go in there!!!! 

The best part is that you don't hold it against each other the next day.  You wake up, kiss your spouse and go pick up your angel from their crib and pretend it never happened.

2.) Why Momma Bears Eat People

I love my neighborhood. We choose to live in Over-the-Rhine because we love it.  I'm often criticized for this choice by people who haven't been here in at least 10 years and especially now that I have a baby.  People say things like "Oh my God, you live there with your baby?  Is it safe?" I always want to respond "No, people break into my house like everyday" and roll my eyes, but instead I usually respond with another question (power move) of "well, when is the last time you were in OTR?" and they usually respond with "I don't know.. 1994 or something".  Exactly.  It's now a thriving community and I wouldn't live anywhere else.  

We've lived in OTR since 2006 and just like living in any urban neighborhood, you follow simple rules.  You lock your car, you don't go walking down certain streets alone after dark, you don't roll down your window when the friendly guys on the corner want to chat and the #1 rule (in my mind) is that you don't yell back at a crackhead.  When people are out of their mind on drugs, you can't rationalize with them so no matter what they say you just keep walking.

Last week I finally understood why momma bears eat people who mess with their baby bears.  I was walking to my car with my son and a lady yelled down the street asking for some money for the bus.  I didn't have any money so I kindly yelled back "sorry, I don't have any cash", but apparently she was a.) out of her mind on drugs and b.) didn't believe me. She yelled again and started walking over to my car.  I immediately knew that I needed to put Conrad in the car because if she came near him, it was going to go down (which was odd because that's not a thought that would have ever popped into my pre-mommy head and I was very aware that something in my brain had changed).  

I shut the door with Conrad inside, turned around and she was right behind me and everything went fuzzy. I lost my freaking business on that lady.  I stepped into her and started screaming a string of amazing expletive combinations that my old cellmates would have been proud of in a crazy momma bear rage. It was not my shining moment as a mother (or maybe it was). I let her know that she was never to mess with me again when I have my child with me (in so many words).  She was not expecting that response and honestly, neither was I. It was completely out of character for me.  I then heard the sweetest, most timid voice behind me say "Oooh.. oh honey.. let's not do that, ok? She's just on drugs honey.. "  It was my brand new neighbor who I'd never met.  That was her first impression of me.  Awesome. I profusely apologized to my sweet neighbor and drove off in humiliation.  I can't say I wouldn't react the exact same way if that happened again.  Momma Bear instincts are CRAZY.

Me and Conrad... in my head. I would eat a crackhead for my baby.

3.) Seriously Grandma?

I feel like weird stuff happens to me and I often find myself looking around thinking "did anyone else see that?" Today was no exception. I went to Barnes and Noble with Conrad and was sitting in a corner doing some light reading and sipping a coffee when this little girl appeared out of nowhere.  She was 7 or 8 years old with blonde hair and I immediately noticed her lips were so chapped.  That caught my attention because I'm obsessed with chapstick and lip gloss (I will put on 4 layers of lip stuff at a time and can't remember ever having dry lips so it freaks me out when other people do. I can't hear what they're saying because in my head I'm wondering how they manage to put words together without Chapstick on.). 

Without any introduction or preparation this little girl started asking me RAPID-FIRE questions. Our conversation went just like this (no exaggeration). 

Girl: What's your baby's name?

Me: Conrad.

Girl: How do you spell it?

Me: C-O-N-R-A-D.

Girl: Can he say hi?

Me: No, he can't talk yet.

Girl: Why's he in a car seat?

Me: Because the car seat fits in his stroller.

Girl: Why's he in a stroller?

Me: Because he can't walk yet. 

Girl: Why?

Me: Because he's only 7 months old. 

Girl: Can he say hi? (yes, she asked twice)

Me: No, he can't talk.  Remember? 

Girl: Do you have a dog? (Unannounced subject change. Genius)

Me: Yes. 

Girl: What's her name?

Me: It's a boy, his name is blue. 

Girl: What's your..

(Lady who I can only assume is Grandma walks up out of nowhere.  I was relieved that someone was with the girl and sad because she was awesome at asking questions and I was getting a kick out of it)

Grandma to Girl: Come on sweetie we need to get going (looks right at me, tilts her head to the side and her face got really sweet and she lowered her voice to a whisper like you would if you were about to say something really nice or apologetic).

Grandma TO ME: I'm sorry.... (whispers lower) she's a little bit retarded. 

I swear on my life that she said those exact words and walked away. WHAAAAATT?! What just happened?! 

a.) I don't think there was anything wrong with that little girl.  I thought she was awesome.

b.) Who says "shes a little bit retarded" ?! Is it 1970 already? Holy Crap.

I sat there in disbelief for about 10 minutes.  Weird things.  Weird things happen to me.