Car Trouble(s)

I mentioned in an earlier post about how I went through cars like disposable contact lenses, and how that was another story for another day.  Well, today is that day.  I blame my dad for my uncanny ability to destroy cars because he's been known to have a "fender bender" or two. My favorite dad-crashed-another-car-story was when my dad backed into something in my mom's new(ish) white minivan and then just slapped some white wall paint over the 2X3 foot black spot.  We barely noticed.  

I mean, come on... would this guy crash a car?

On my 13th birthday, my dad taught me how to drive in the parking lot of a grocery store because that's the age he and I both felt I was ready. I had to wait 3 more years to legally drive, but I won't lie and say that I didn't drive any cars while I waited.  It's not really driving unless you're on the highway, right? I'm pretty sure that's where my trouble with the law really began. 

My 16th birthday finally arrived and parked in our front yard with a bow on it was a mint condition 1968 Dodge Polara. It had been completely restored just for me.  The car was about 18 feet long and 8 feet wide with a trunk so big I could throw a party inside or haul away 4-6 dead bodies, depending on their size. My friends called it "the tank" and I called it "Hannah's G-Ride" (I even had a vanity plate made for the front that read "Hannah's G-Ride" because I really had to thug it out. I was way into rap music and thought I was so hood cruising around bumping Notorious B.I.G. I would roll down the windows and bob my head, but I wouldn't make eye contact with anyone just to show how hard-core I was.  I wanted them to believe I had like 6 guns in there because you never know what might pop off... in Ft Thomas, Ky) 

It looked just like this, only maroon

Roughly 4 days after I was a legal driver, I side swiped a Metro Bus full of people.  You don't look nearly as hard-core when you are standing next to your sweet sweet ride crying like a baby while they wait for another bus to come and rescue all of the people from the bus you just hit and load them onto another bus (or ambulance) and you have to call your daddy and tell him you just ruined the car he gave you, but as Jay-Z says, "on to the next".

 

After the Metro Bus incident, my dad took the Polara away from me and gave me a green 1984 Ford Bronco II and I loved it. It had air conditioning, a tape player and 4-wheel drive.  I'd never had a car with 4-wheel drive before, so I decided to find out what happens when you switch it into 4WD while driving 75MPH down the highway.  I think I expected it to be like a video game where flames shot out the back as it went from 75MPH to 100MPH in a matter of seconds and a lady's voice would say loudly "TURBO!", but that didn't happen.  It just made this horrible sound and oil started spewing out the back and smoke started coming through the vents.  It made a loud clicking sound and died on the side of the highway. Thanks for car #2, Daddy.  It's broken, can I have another? 

It was identical to this one, with smaller tires.

My dad had just gotten a brand spanking new 2001 Ford Ranger and it was beautiful! It had power seats and a CD Player (a huge upgrade). Since my Bronco had unfortunately pooped out and I was in BIBLE COLLEGE (so many stories to come), he decided to "loan" me his truck for the semester. I was so excited to show up at school and drive everyone around in my new truck.  During this time of my life it was very important to me that people liked me and I would stop at nothing to make that happen.  There was a young man that I really wanted to be friends with who had talked about going "muddin" with some other guys after curfew.  That sounded awesome and I happened to have the keys to a pretty sweet muddin' truck in my pocket, so naturally I offered up the Ranger. I slept like a baby dreaming about how we were all going to be best friends forever and how they must think I'm the coolest chick to loan them my new truck. I found the truck the next day... sitting on top of a tow truck in the parking lot of my dorm. It had flat tires and so much mud caked in every crevice, including the engine, that it was basically totaled. Thanks Dad, you can have your truck back now, it's broken.

The Ranger

Mud Ranger

My dad was pretty mad about this incident so I don't recall what I drove from May until August, but it wasn't the ranger. On my 18th birthday I was babysitting at my brother's house and my parent's came over and handed me a card.  I thought maybe it would have a $20 dollar bill or something in it because I'd been a bad girl. When they handed me the card, I felt something in the envelope.  Keys.  Keys? To what?  "Go in the parking lot and see what we got you.." I ran outside and "HOLY CRAP - A brand new off-the-showroom-floor Ford Focus??? Yes!" I drove that car for about two years and made at least 5 of the 24 payments. I occasionally wrecked it into other parked cars or cement poles in parking garages, but I didn't total it.  

My dad says he bought it because of it's name "Focus". He thought it would help me to Focus.  It didn't.

The car was finally paid off and I immediately started looking for a new one because driving a car with no car payment was stupid in my mind. I settled on a 1998 VW Beetle 5-speed.  The beetle was good to me except that I didn't want to go through the hassle of registering the car because since I bought it in Ohio and lived in Ky, the state wanted $651, so I just stuck the old Ford Focus license plate I had on the new Beetle when the temp tag expired and drove it around like that for a year.  Does that surprise you?  It shouldn't.  

I don't remember exactly how I explained it to the clerk when I finally did get it street legal a year later, but I'm pretty sure I told her it had been in storage (layered with other little lies) or something like that.  I ripped out the oil pan about 4 times on that low-rider, hit a pit bull that made it's way on the Norwood Lateral going about 70MPH and then finally left it in Neutral in my parents driveway and got out and it went crashing into the concrete wall below about 2 weeks before my wedding. I somehow revived it when I got home from my honeymoon and sold it on Craigslist to a guy who makes sushi at Whole Foods for $2,500.00. 

The Beetle

I have a grown up car now and I haven't been speeding, loaning it to people to take off-road mudding, crashing it into dogs or concrete walls and I can assure you that it has legitimate plates, tags and yes - I even have insurance :) Dear Mom and Dad, I'm sorry I did all of that. You should have punched me in the face and made me walk or ride the bus. One day I'm going to buy you some nice cars and you can take them out and crash them and I'll buy you some more.