Gilbert Avenue Wendys (Observation)

I've always wanted to tell people about the Wendys near my office.  Gilbert Avenue Wendys is a lunch-time treasure, not unlike a dinner theater. You get food and a show.

 

I've been going to this particular Wendys once every few months, since I was 17 years old.  You can only go once every few months because it's a very intense experience. The line is about 12 cars long at any given lunch hour, but don't be afraid of the line because no matter how long it is, it's only going to take 5 minutes to get through it. 

If the line gets too out of control they have a guy out in the parking lot with a headset on, calling in orders.  This usually ends in disaster with the lady at the pay window cussing out the guy in the lot because her headset is now blowing up with two sets of orders; the ones from headset guy in the lot and the one from the main speaker that headset guy in the lot couldn't get to quick enough. If you are ever lucky enough to be there when the two of them get into it, it's a lunchtime delight.  

On a normal day, you make it to the main menu and the conversation usually goes like this (and you better know what you want before you ever make it to that speaker or it's gonna go DOWWWWWN). 

Order Lady : "CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER??!!" (the caps and punctuation are intentional because she's yelling.. you already feel like she hates you and you haven't said a word)

Me: (timidly) Ummm, hi.. can i have a chicken go wra...

Order Lady: YES!!! CHICKEN GO WRAP, WHAT ELSE YOU NEED?!?!?!

Me: (timidly) ummm.. yes, a chicken go wrap with no to

Order Lady: IT DON'T HAVE TOMATOES ON IT ANYWAY, WHAT ELSE YOU NEED?!!?? 

Me: Ok, yes.. and an icewa.. 

Order Lady: PLEASE PULL AROUND TO THE WINDOW!!

Once again, I've taken too long.  This sweet lady is so agitated by the time it takes me to pull up to the window (4 seconds) that she rips the money out of my hand and somehow always has the correct change in her other hand so I can move it along.  How does she even know I'm paying with cash? How does she know what bill I'm going to use? This lady is magical.

You pull up to the pick-up-your-food window and one of two things will happen:  

 

Scenario One:

There is an arm hanging out the window as you pull up with your bag of food. In this scenario, you don't even have to brake, it's the Gilbert Wendys Roll Through. Do NOT ask for anything else. They've already supplied you with napkins, ketchup, sporks or anything else you might need in the bag. Do NOT ask for something extra or you'll hear "CAN YOU BACK UP AND START MY TIME OVER!!??!!! DAYYY-UUUMM-MMMM" (mom, it's not a cuss word if you spell it phonetically).  It took me a long time to figure out that the employees must be on  some sort of bonus structure where they get rewarded for keeping the time someone is in their drive-thru under a certain amount.  I think it must be somewhere between 30 and 45 seconds, based on my experience. 

Scenario Two: 

There is a person hanging out of the window, waving you on the way someone would wave if you were near the finish line of a marathon.  He or She is waving and screaming "PLEASE PULL FORWARD AND WE'LL HAVE YOUR FOOD RIGHT OUT TO YOU!!!" and don't you dare stop. Usually, by the time you pull forward there is someone else running out the side door with your bag, but if there is a legitimate hiccup in their expert system they'll make up something crazy that doesn't even make sense just to make you pull up and get off their timer. Example: "PLEASE PULL FORWARD, WE ARE WAITING ON FRIES" (ok, ok, that seems legit), but sometimes they just yell out crazy stuff. Today they said to me, "PLEASE PULL UP MA'AM - WE ARE WAITING ON OUR SALT NAPKINS".  I don't even know what that means, but I didn't want to be the one to stop the line because it seems like salt napkins might be dangerous and I didn't want to be there when they finally get their supply.  

I have come to appreciate this Wendys because they have never gotten my order wrong (and even if they did, I'd be too scared to tell them) and it's the fastest place in town. I think Dave Thomas would be proud. 

*Apologies if you are not from Cincinnati or have never been to this Wendys and don't understand the hilarity in this story.  If you have been to this Wendys, you'll most likely comment on how accurate my description of the experience is and if I ever see you I'll act out the whole thing and we'll both laugh our faces off.